i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize