A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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