It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
