Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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