I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
