Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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