True but thats because hes a fetus.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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