shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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