It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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