I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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