i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
its not stalking. its research.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
