She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
