Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
