whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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