i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Someone came in the potted fern
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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