Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
pop tarts are not kleenex
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
