Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I am naked and annoyed.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
