If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
