Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
