i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
