What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
