I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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