did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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