Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
