I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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