u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize