Please don't use social media to get back at me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
