Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am naked and annoyed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
