That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
