don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
