My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
