I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
