Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
