Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
