Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
