They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
