I would go down on you faster than GM stock
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize