I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
