and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
