So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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