and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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