I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
even my farts smell like vagina
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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