My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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