I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
