We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
