i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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