he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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