are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
