I'm so fucking centered right now
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
