they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
