i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
