If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So much rum. So many feels.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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