i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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