he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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