apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
