her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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