I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
