If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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