i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
