So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
