that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
